What's my intention (2)

I've been writing proposals and trying to push for exploratory trips overseas. Partners have approached us, some since a long time ago, and we have not yet gone! Most of them want us to run our programme there, or leadership training, or community development. And I really hope that the projects can fly too.
Yesterday as I stopped and reflected, a very sharp thought came to my mind.

Xiaojia, Why are you so keen to go?

I've been feeling frustrated cos I haven't been traveling since June for work, and July for visit to Philippines to see my kid. I yearn again to see the people in the villages, those familiar faces, or new faces, to see the ground.
To revive my tired heart again to feel.
To find God amongst the poor.

My intentions are perhaps less than altruistic. If by going, I would bring more inconvenience to people. If after the initial exploratory trip, and we are not able to follow up on the projects after that- am I then willing to say - Lord, I am willing to stay here, to handle all the administration. I am willing to surrender my pride, to do the unglam work and to wait.

Am I willing?

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Re-reading Heidi Baker's Book - Always Enough..
Why did I tear when I heard her sharing her testimony live? Why did I tear when I read the book?
I teared not because of how strong or courageous or sacrificial she was. She is.
But I teared because of the faithful God who is always enough. The compassionate God who loves men and women and children that He would go to the dumps, the slums, the villages, places where there is no hope. To seek what was lost.
When I read of testimonies of God multiplying food for example...God provided miraculously.
It reminded me that Heidi is able to do this great work, not because the burden was upon herself to accomplish the work. She is able to do the work because she has caught a glimpse of the Father's Heart.
Surely we will burn out if we depend on ourselves. But we will soar and be joyful, when we serve our El-Shaddai. The God who is always enough.
Do I really know my God?

What's my Intention?

It has been really kind of hard these days. I've been feeling regular bouts of tiredness and sometimes insommia so that I am not able to fall asleep until some time. I don't really know whats the cause! But on occasions when the veil gets lifted up, I feel God's love, really know it, and joy fills my heart, that I am able to give thanks to God.
The question that He seems to be prompting me is this- What is your motivation for doing what you are doing?
I would say - save lives, help people, eradicate poverty, give people livelihood skills.
These reasons all but give me added pressure, as I think about what I can do, who I need to reply and answer to, and how the project can move.
But if my reason, is all but to let God be glorified, and to be His instrument to serve Him, it becomes such a privilege to partner with my God, for His Kingdom to come on earth.
Sometimes, I'm so caught up that I forget, the one who really loves His people is none other then God.
I pray to be able to see from His perspective, how He is moving in lives, and how He is moving into different nations and projects. That He is not just a part of the project, but He is everything about the project. He is the one who initiates, the one who would carry it through and sustain it. He is everything. And His people are the ones He loves.
So that I may stop angsting about why person A is not replying me, and what I should reply to person B. If only I may know He is in control of the situations.
The problem is, I don't seem to have that faith to believe. Its a cycle that seems to perpetuate.. And then sometimes I shoot myself down for not being resilient enough to overcome these issues, because afterall, I'm not facing life and death issues. Compared to Paul who went through sufferings, hardships, imprisonment, what are my problems compared to him? But I shouldn't even be angsting about this, because when I start focusing on what I can do/overcome, it becomes my self effort all over again.
Its really a daily battle of my mind, but yet a rest of my heart, in His sovereign grace over my life and over the world.
That's amidst so many beautiful and wonderful testimonies of seeing God's hand at work in the projects, and new things happening at church, and lives transformed.
That emptiness or chasing after the wind or that sense of how our works are like filty rags before a righteous God.
No matter how many good works, whether it is migrant workers (Banquet of Honour coming up, yay), or social enterprise, or micro businesses, or mission trips, they are empty. If not for the perspective of why we are doing what we are doing. And for whom. And then knowing that afterall, God doesn't need us to work for Him.
Pls help me dear God, because faith is a mustard seed.

Grace

Went for a talk on reaching International students last week, but instead the speaker spoke mostly about grace.

Grace= I want to, not cos I have to or I ought to. (in terms of serving, praying, reading bible etc etc)
Do I serve God because I want to?
When u first know the Lord, u ask people what do I have to do? Read bible? Pray?
When u know God better, u are convicted that these are things u ought to do.
When u know God's grace, u want to do because u really enjoy doing these things.

In John, Jesus asked Peter, do you love (agape) me 2 times, and on the third time He asked, do you love (phileo) me? Do u, Peter, like me? The speaker pointed out its actually easier to love someone than to like someone! Do I like being with Jesus, do I enjoy His company? ;)

Its only this 1 year I think that I began to understand grace. Grace is so paradoxical. Grace gives me the confidence to come into God's presence, and the self worth as I meet people. But it is because I recognize that I am broken, ragged and so sinful. It is God's grace and love so deep that accepts me. Grace looks at the sin beneath your good, but God still loves u anyway. Paradoxical because if I were to look at myself and think of what I can do, and how I can improve, immediately I lose this grace and I feel defeated because in me there is nothing. Its like I need not strive but I rest in God's love for me. I don't always feel that way though, because I am prone to want to do something to earn God's love and to please Him with regards to work and ministry.

Its extremely difficult in a performance driven society to believe in Grace- His unconditional abundant love. When the world bombards you with what you must or must not do. When the church or christians are not full of grace towards you. Somehow Grace always comes with the word "but". U are loved, "but" you need to blah blah blah. Real grace is always radical.

Whats the "but" here? There must be some catch. Actually I don't think its a "but". Its really "and". Grace is freely given. "And" we love others cos we want to, not because we have to.

Actually it makes me think that a lot of things I am doing is cos I feel I ought to. I ought to help the poor, I ought to evangelise, I ought to do missions..
Is that bad though? Because I believe there are times we don't FEEL like doing stuff. I think as long as we are not doing stuff so that we will be justified. Well ofcos, it makes me wonder abt my motivation for working in the non profit, christian work.

Servant leadership

Yesterday during P&D service at GB, we sang this song, and one of the lyrics was "Christ and service".

I felt a sudden lump in my throat because suddenly I understood how Christ and service linked together.

In Feb, Shir told me that I need to be broken before I can be used by God. How true.

This journey has helped me to understand what a servant is = a servant has no rights of his/her own, and he seeks to please the master.

However, being a servant is different from having a servant spirit. A pastor said, you can tell servant from servant spirit only when you're slighted. How will u react? The way to have a servant spirit is to be grateful. Everyone can be a servant because of his/her position. A servant has to work for the master, and tasked to do certain things, and one may do things in a grudging manner. But to truly have a servant spirit, one serves with thankfulness. A servant may be serving under fear, i.e. fear of how others will see him/her, while someone with a servant spirit serves with love. Truly he is not serving because he is afraid of what people will say, but serving to bless others, because he has known the love of the Master.

Then coming to servant leader- A servant leader becomes a leader so that he/she can serve others.

The leader serves with humility, meekness and submission. It is so important to be humble and broken before God. And sometimes it takes a lot of experience to break us before we learn humility. But this is different from being of low self esteemed. The leader carries an authority and boldness that comes from Christ.

It has been a difficult journey learning submission and love for others. To bless when people talk you down. To pray for the ones who slight you. To love the people who are difficult to love. Yes, it is that inner posture of the heart towards others. And yes, it is about CHRIST and SERVICE. Because Christ first came to serve and love us. And not everyone understood His love. He was taunted, stripped and beaten. But love kept Him on the cross.

Heaven

I finished C.S. Lewis's The Problem of Pain, and I liked these parts in his discourse on Heaven.
Its an insightful perspective, beyond sitting on clouds and playing harps:

(1) That yearning and desire of your soul.......that will be fulfilled in heaven....

"Again, you have stood before some landscape, which seems to embody what you have been looking for all your life; and then turned to the friend at your side who appears to be seeing what you saw- but at the first words a gulf yawns between you, and you realise that this landscape means something totally different to him, and that he is pursuing an alien vision and cares nothing for the ineffable suggestion by which you are transported...Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it- tantalising glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear...It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasible want...

Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it- made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand."

(2) That needing to let go of the things you love, because if you hold on to it, you find that it becomes elusive. But when you are able to surrender, love grows. Have u ever wanted really something badly? I find that the more I try to control it, the more it evades me.

"The thing itself has never actually been embodied in any thought or image or emotion. Always it has summoned you out of yourself. And if you will not go out of yourself to follow it, if you sit down to brood on the desire and attempt to cherish it, the desire itself will evade you...The thing you long for summons you away from the self. Even the desire for the thing lives only if you abandon it. This is the ultimate law- the seed dies to live, the bread must be cast upon the waters, he that loses his soul will save it. But the life of the seed, the finding of the bread, the recovery of the soul, are as real as the preliminary sacrifice. "

Power in the secular world?

Decided to write a post before I leave for Philippines tmr. As you know by now, my other blog is usually more frivalous and updates of my life.

I've been wanting to blog about AWARE, even though as a friend pointed out, the topic has been discussed Ad nauseam. I guess I still want to put in my 2 cents worth.

I have not been reading too much about what christians or non christians have been writing in their blogs. But one particular email caught my attention, by this lady who said she was crying non-stop as she took a cab home from the AWARE EGM. She was burdened and sad about what happened at the EGM. In her email, she mentioned that the secular and religious cannot be separate because we as christians, live our lives and beliefs in the secular. And she asked, where were the young adult christians, and why didn't they stand up for Christ.

This got me thinking. The reason is, I have been telling people that the newbies are using the wrong platform to make their religious beliefs known. Upon reading the email, it provoked thoughts within me- because, it is also my belief that we do not segregate the religious and the secular as christians. We are to live as salt and light in the world. Did we miss out an opportunity to stand up for Christ? Have the Singaporean christians retreated in light of "persecution"? I always questioned if Singaporean Christians could endure persecution in light of our comfortable lives.

But amongst the complex thoughts that were within me, it dawned upon me, what I was uncomfortable with was not the platform, but it was the spirit behind which it was being done.

I was uncomfortable when emails started circulating to ask christians to make a stand and join AWARE, and support the newbies. Since when did it become a war to win or lose control?

And then after chatting with another friend, I remembered this post that I wrote long time ago on Hiding Behind the Cross. Yes we can be involved in politics and secular organizations. But as christians, we serve with love and humility- that is the power of the cross. But we have become "militant" and self righteous in our beliefs. And that was exactly the problem with the Pharisees!

No doubt well-meaning, and yes, as christians, we make a stand for our beliefs. But we ought to do it in love. And it is not about being in positions of power so that we can control. It is as Christ loved when He came, identifying with the weak.

Tim Chester - "Christian ministry is not conducted through political power or media influence. It is conducted in the upside down, unpredictable power of the cross. It is conducted through weakness and dishonour."
"The church as the church should not seek power or influence in a secular sense. Instead it should seek opportunities to serve the world. As the church follows the way of the cross, it must choose 'participation in the powerlessness of God in the world'. It stands with the weak and the powerless. It speaks on behalf of those whose voice is not heard. It seeks justice for the poor."

We are ofcos, talking about a different group from the poor. Talking about homosexuals is delicate. My stand- I believe that homosexuality, i.e. the action (sexual) is a sin- as quoted in different parts of the bible. But, homosexuality, i.e. the inclination to like someone of the same gender, is a much more complexed issue. Its more complexed than telling the person that he/she can be changed through prayer, deliverance and counseling. Because some of them struggle a lot with being different from the world, facing a lot of rejection and hurts- esp caused by the church's condemnation of them. Research has not been clear cut whether it is nature or nurture that causes one's homosexual inclination. If we do not rule out nature (i.e. because of our sin, even though in God's perfect will, He meant for us to have perfect bodies), it means that a homosexual may not be able to change in his/her inclination.

Though, when I shared this with another friend, she felt that it could not be nature, since God's commandments were against homosexuality, how could one then be created a homosexual?

I don't have the answers. But the crux of the matter is this. It is complexed, and we should not be dismissive in our attitudes. For how then do they seek God's love, if the church comes across as rejecting them? Many of them live with hurts and rejection.

Hence, we should be praying FOR them, and not praying AGAINST them. We should serve and demonstrate Christ's love. Lest we forget the plank in our own eye, and forget that we also struggle with all sorts of sins in our sinful nature.

Spirit Filled Cross Life

I was so happy on Sunday night that something quite unheard of happened in the church. =P Pastor Ed talked about being filled in the Spirit. And we prayed for people to be filled in the Spirit. I felt the sweet embrace of God. But I also felt the "anointing" seems stronger in CHC, and the whole experience of worship still seems more intensed there. So was wondering if there was more...if the church should be going even deeper...and whether such worship should be a weekly affair thing during sunday service, rather than only during a special prayer meeting.

This provoked a lot of thoughts within. Pastor Ed shared that there is a difference betw Spirit giftedness and Spirit filled, that the gift of the Spirit must be cradled by the fruits of the Spirit. I have seen it going wrong all too often when our faith is shallow, and our boldness is presumptuous. What does it really mean to be Spirit filled? And how is it manifested when we are? Is it about being slained in the Spirit, feeling the warmth and crying? Or was it like Sunday night, just a sweet peace and an embrace that was felt? Part of me thinks there should be more anointing, more slaying, more supernatural etc. But that seems to be looking towards the gifts and the supernatural rather than towards God.

My friend who comes from a conservative background asked me what it feels like when someone is being filled with the Spirit. I realised what Pastor Ed meant when he said we are a bridge betw the charismatics and the conservatives. Because, maybe due to our different personalities and backgrounds, it is impossible to throw a conservative into a charismatic church and expect him to experience God in the same way. So while I think the worship is not charismatic enough, or that people should speak in tongues, or that the church should emphasise the Holy Spirit more, I realise that is due to my charismatic backgrd.

Distinctly, when I went up to pray for a deeper experience with God, I felt He said one thing- that the gift comes with a price. The price of the cross. The cross life.

Interestingly, I was listening to CHC's latest worship album, and I really liked this song:

God of my forever
God of my youth I remember
Your call on my life took me o’er
Your love has seen me through all my days
I stand here by Your grace
On this altar I’ve written my life
Tells of a story I have with You my Lord
I want the world to know

Chorus
God of my forever
And forever I’m with You
My life is saved with a price
Your sacrifice redeemed my soul
God of my forever
And forever I will sing
My greatest honor will always be
To serve my Lord and King

Verse 2
God of my all I’ve surrendered
My heart finds its rest in Your word
Praises will not be enough to show
How my love for You has grown
Nothing matters when You’re here with me
In the end just to hear You say “Well done”
Bowing before Your throne

Bridge
Forever and ever
Jesus You alone in glory reign
Forever and ever
With You I walk this narrow way

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And yeah, I think the song writers in CHC are really gifted with the anointing to write great lyrics and music. And these really help to draw people into worship.
But as I examined the lyrics further, some of these caught my attention:
"God of my all I’ve surrendered
My heart finds its rest in Your word"

I think nowadays, when I sing a song, other then this heartfelt emotional thing with God, I also consider what the lyrics really mean. And what does it mean to say I've surrendered...what it means my greatest love is God etc etc....
Because sometimes due to the emotional feel of the music, it is so easy to be singing along with great lyrics. But these words actually carry a lot of weight and meaning to it..
So in that sense, I really appreciate hymms too. Though the tune may be quite dull sometimes, it helps one to meditate on the lyrics.

And we may tend to be presumptuous in our singing...like Peter who told God, I will never deny You. Because he didn't understand what his promise to God really meant...and what the Cross life is really about.